Not Reading

It has been such a long time since I sat down and read a book – even a chapter. I have found that when I get down/depressed I just don’t want to read – even though it would probably lift my spirits. It just seems too hard to do. This is something I hope to correct starting tomorrow – I probably should start this right now as tomorrow I will probably decide against it. The only reason I won’t start today is I am simply too tired and I need to get to bed soon. This post will remind me to do so
tomorrow – I hope.

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A Long Time

It has been such a long time since I’ve posted to this Blog and a lot has been going on – maybe not so much in the physical realm, as life in that sphere has been pretty boring really. There have been many mental and spiritual battles, and who really knows if any useful progress has been made at all. I think I may be coming to terms with depression, not that I have seen anyone about that. It has just been something I have been in denial about for so long and I am finally beginning to accept it as a reality in my life. I’m not likely to see anyone about it either – that’s just the way I am. But accepting it as a reality is really a major step and a step that will help me to move on from it as well. That is how I see it and it seems to be the way that life is progressing. I think even writing about it in a post such as this is also something that will assist me to move on and ‘recover’ as well.

I also know what the issues are – or at least a good number of them and I am seeking to address those as well. So hopefully there is some useful progress being made in all of this. Time of course is something that is required and it has been and will undoubtedly continue to be what is required as I move forward with my life. I certainly don’t intend to spill the beans on everything in this post (or any future post for that matter), as I am an intensely private person – and yeah, I accept that that probably doesn’t help me a great lot (being an intensely private person) and will probably mean a slower journey going forward.

I have issues with trusting people, so opening up to others is not something that I do easily. Having been hurt in the past it is difficult to trust people quickly and to share with them those things that are of heart concern to me. I have done so in the past with special people, that I regarded as being people I thought highly about (and still do – even though those relationships probably no longer exist) and viewed as quality people. I am also sure that given the right circumstances I will come across these highly valued types of people again and will be able to share my life experiences with them – but not just at the moment, as they simply don’t exist in my life for the time being.

I miss one person in particular and there is no way that I will have those precious moments again. She has been gone for some years now and I miss her like none other. I visit here from time to time in her final earthly resting place, but it has also been a long time since I have done that. I think I need to go again soon. I haven’t been for so long because it is a difficult place to go and my heart breaks when I do. I miss her so much and it was perhaps her passing that started me on my downward spiral – or at the very least accelerated it, not that I have reached a terrible dark place with little light – it is not that bad. No, it began before she died – but missing her has made this time all the more difficult.

It has been a long time – but it is now well beyond time to move forward from this place of sadness, darkness and difficulty, and to leave the black dog behind. May it be so.

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Internet Issues Resolved

The Internet has been one issue after another for me in recent months – I do hope those issues are now largely resolved. Hopefully I no longer need to worry about connectivity, reaching my monthly limit for downloads, etc. I have now reached into the future (or perhaps the past) and grasped hold of a more ‘modern’ approach of connecting to the Internet. Actually it’s not really all that modern – more a case of catch-up and that only to the limits of what is currently available here. Still, my issues should be now solved and that means consistency in Blog posting and the like.

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Taking a Break

Just a quick note to let everyone know I’m taking a break from Blogging for the next week or so – possibly two. Thanks.

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Some Changes

Originally posted on My Portal News:

I think you can expect to see some changes on some of the websites and Blogs I run in the very near future, including the website this Blog is associated with. Kevin’s Portal has become something of a frustration with me, as I have been unable to update any pages for a while. Indeed, the books page will not update and has even been deleted, without me having any ability to fix the problem – so it is likely that I will be changing hosts very soon. This will also mean a change in URL. So please keep an eye out for that as I won’t be able to change things on the website as it currently stands – i.e. keep an eye on this Blog.

Another big change – at least for me – will be the way I do Blog posts right across the board. I have a…

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My Project 365

The link below is to another Blog I have going called ‘My Project 365.’ It is a complement to this Blog and provides a pictorial view of my life as I go about each day. It does’t record every aspect of my day, but is meant to capture the occasional photo throughout the day. Anyhow, take a look sometime and get the feel for it.

Visit My Project 365 at:

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Miss American Dream – Britney Spears

The link below is to a rather large article concerning Britney Spears, which I haven’t read as of yet. I do intend reading it though. Since it is mean’t to be something of a biographical piece I thought it might be interesting. So, sooner or let I’ll have a read – hopefully over the next week and see what I think.

For more visit:

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Pointless Unplugging

The link below is to an article which provides some further commentary on the sort of thing I was writing about in my previous post really. The article linked to below explores the pointlessness of unplugging in a digital age, to which I agree by the way. Perhaps we need to find a better balance in a digital world.

For more visit:

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Far Removed Friendships

The Internet. The Internet has proven a blessing in many ways, providing the means for acquiring information that simply were not available before, the possibilities of mass communication that have previously been non-existent and so on. However, with blessing has come much that is not – indeed, the curse of the Internet. The curse of the Internet is a many-headed beast, including the ease of access to pornography to all and sundry, cyber-bullying and the like, troll behaviour across the board, etc. The Internet of course is not alone in this seeming dichotomy of blessing and curse, for everything seems to have the ability to both bless and curse, so why should the Internet be any different – it all comes down to how we use it and how we prepare ourselves for what we will inevitably by bombarded with once we enter the World Wide Web. That both exist should not surprise.

In my younger days I seemed to be a far more sociable being – or perhaps more accurately, my sociability and friendship was closer in real terms than it is now. I used to spend quality time with people, whether that was in one-on-one encounters, or as part of a meaningful group of friends interacting with one another during a social outing, while enjoying a meal together, or in one of a myriad of ways. Today things are far different and the Internet may well have been the means for accomplishing this rather less than brilliant array of social norms. It has not been the only catalyst for a changed socio-environment, but it has perhaps been the most aggressive counter to what were the social norms of my younger days.

Friendship had been one of the most important aspects on my life and something I both guarded and cultivated with great jealousy. As I look back on those days I now ask myself ‘what happened?’ Now the people I once counted dear and who’s friendship I cherished are no longer to be seen in my life to the same extent as they once were. Sure, people move on and circumstances change, so you expect some to no longer be there – but you would expect them to be replaced by others, at least that was how life used to be. Not anymore. They have gone and there have been none to replace them in the same way – now I have far removed friendships, friendships with people I have never physically met via the World Wide Web. These are not the same. Sure, they can be regarded as important and greatly valued, but they are not the same and the previous form of friendships that I valued so greatly are missed and mourned as the great loss that they are, especially with people who have been and continue to be, people of importance to me, though there is now little or no contact with them – certainly not in the same quality or even quantity as before.

Today is the day of far removed friendships and I am lesser for them.

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June 25

There are people in life that appear and stay for a while. At other times there are those that disappear and are never seen again. Often times the people that don’t mean a lot to you, for whatever myriad of reasons, never seem to be anywhere but seemingly in your face and there is never any respite from them. Those that do mean a lot never seem to stick around and can never be found no matter how hard you try to reconnect with them. But once in a while there is that important person (or perhaps a couple of people should you be so incredibly blessed) that has always been there, currently is and will always be so. That person (or those precious few) means the world to you and brings some meaning to life for you that otherwise wouldn’t be there. A simple phone call, a drop in or even a seemingly chance meeting is all that is necessary to brighten an otherwise bleak and dreadful day – what does quality time with that person present when such small experiences of transient blessing means so much?

When that person is no longer found in your circle of family, friends and others – well, the very meaning of life is transformed beyond recognition. Nothing is ever the same again.

June 25 is a dreadful day for me – it marks the end of a blessed experience of life and the beginning of a lesser experience of existence for me. Sure, it wasn’t the end of life for me, but it did change my perception of it in a profound way and it has never been the same – and it will never be as it was.

On the 25th of June, 2008, the most important person in my world stepped out of it, never to return into it. Certainly my Lord and Saviour is far more important to me, there is no other that compares. But the only person in this world who has meant so much to me apart from Him was gone. This was the day that Rebeccca died and my world changed forever. I miss her every day, but each June 25 is especially difficult – as is March 8, the day of her birth. June 25 is by far the most difficult of the year for me and the days leading up to it are also hard. I miss her – she was my world.

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