Been a while. It’s been a while for many things, but I especially mean this Blog – at the moment anyway. The truth – I couldn’t be bothered. That is, I couldn’t be bothered to post here in recent times. Why? I have struggled with many things other recent years – it’s called undiagnosed depression. It’s the depression you have that you haven’t seen anyone about, yet you know what it is and still try to live in denial. But that has changed a little – I’m no longer in denial, I just couldn’t be bothered seeing anyone about it. You know, it will work out in the end – whenever that might be.
Having said that, things are a lot brighter at the moment. Have I turned a corner – I hope so. It feels like I have, with a measure of joy returning to what had become a rather miserable existence. I guess the fact that I’m writing anything (well typing) here is a sign that perhaps I have – turned a corner I mean. I’m sure there will be some setbacks ahead, but at the moment, I’m just taking in the sunshine and enjoying the rays as they fall on my face, with that gentle breeze refreshingly drifting across the surface of my face. It is time to once again step out into the wide world and enjoy the life I have been given.
Over the Christmas ‘silly season’ I hope to pitch my tent beside a river in the mountains and just take some time out and read, sleep and relax. I’m going to try and catch my breath and think about the year ahead – all with positive intent. I want to think about some of the good things that may lay ahead – especially think about and plan some wilderness excursions, where I can really enjoy the solitude of the Australian wilderness in a wonderful, soul recharging way – alone with my Creator in His creation. I have really enjoyed that in the past and look forward to doing so once again. Anyway, my first opportunity to do so is only days away – should be good.
For those of you who may not know it yet – I think I may be going mad (slightly so anyway). So in an effort to head off said madness I decided to go out for the day and went to Gloucester, visiting my mother while there and also maintaining a couple of geocaches along the way and hiding a few others.
So I have a couple of new geocaches currently awaiting review and another couple that I am yet to place on the geocaching website (I’ll do so in the next couple of days).
Did it take away my madness – probably not, but neither was there any mad, evil cackling while hiding them. So it was a start I guess.
Putting up a post on this Blog is hopefully an indication that I’m beginning to get back on track. This has been a particularly difficult period for me and I’m sure I’m not out of the woods just yet. I do feel I have turned a corner though and that is a very good think – I think.
To help me get back on track I’m actually taking a week off work from Christmas Eve until New Year’s Day, returning the following day. I’m really looking forward to a week of sleep, rest and relaxation.
The last several months (and indeed the majority of the year – if not longer) has been marked by the haphazard and irregular nature of my posting to my Blogs and the updating of my websites. This is likely to continue for some time and for an indefinite period of time. Why? I have been battling depression (essentially), though I have no real understanding of why/how it has come about. A number of years ago I was involved in a car accident that nearly killed me and I suffered a brain injury as a result of the accident. I am as fully recovered as I am likely to be and it has not really left a great permanent impact on my life – though this depression may prove to have been its lasting legacy.
I have thought of closing down the Bogs and websites on a number of occasions – but have not really wanted to do so. I would like to return to them with the same enthusiasm that I once had, though I am obviously unsure when that will be. Also, closing down the sites would be like yielding to the mental illness and sliding further down the slippery slope, which is not something I want to do. So it’s six of one and half-dozen of the other as regards what to do.
So if you have been a regular reader/user of my sites I ask for your continuing patience and understanding – normal service is something I am aiming at returning to. I just don’t know when that can/will be.
It has been such a long time since I sat down and read a book – even a chapter. I have found that when I get down/depressed I just don’t want to read – even though it would probably lift my spirits. It just seems too hard to do. This is something I hope to correct starting tomorrow – I probably should start this right now as tomorrow I will probably decide against it. The only reason I won’t start today is I am simply too tired and I need to get to bed soon. This post will remind me to do so
tomorrow – I hope.
It has been such a long time since I’ve posted to this Blog and a lot has been going on – maybe not so much in the physical realm, as life in that sphere has been pretty boring really. There have been many mental and spiritual battles, and who really knows if any useful progress has been made at all. I think I may be coming to terms with depression, not that I have seen anyone about that. It has just been something I have been in denial about for so long and I am finally beginning to accept it as a reality in my life. I’m not likely to see anyone about it either – that’s just the way I am. But accepting it as a reality is really a major step and a step that will help me to move on from it as well. That is how I see it and it seems to be the way that life is progressing. I think even writing about it in a post such as this is also something that will assist me to move on and ‘recover’ as well.
I also know what the issues are – or at least a good number of them and I am seeking to address those as well. So hopefully there is some useful progress being made in all of this. Time of course is something that is required and it has been and will undoubtedly continue to be what is required as I move forward with my life. I certainly don’t intend to spill the beans on everything in this post (or any future post for that matter), as I am an intensely private person – and yeah, I accept that that probably doesn’t help me a great lot (being an intensely private person) and will probably mean a slower journey going forward.
I have issues with trusting people, so opening up to others is not something that I do easily. Having been hurt in the past it is difficult to trust people quickly and to share with them those things that are of heart concern to me. I have done so in the past with special people, that I regarded as being people I thought highly about (and still do – even though those relationships probably no longer exist) and viewed as quality people. I am also sure that given the right circumstances I will come across these highly valued types of people again and will be able to share my life experiences with them – but not just at the moment, as they simply don’t exist in my life for the time being.
I miss one person in particular and there is no way that I will have those precious moments again. She has been gone for some years now and I miss her like none other. I visit here from time to time in her final earthly resting place, but it has also been a long time since I have done that. I think I need to go again soon. I haven’t been for so long because it is a difficult place to go and my heart breaks when I do. I miss her so much and it was perhaps her passing that started me on my downward spiral – or at the very least accelerated it, not that I have reached a terrible dark place with little light – it is not that bad. No, it began before she died – but missing her has made this time all the more difficult.
It has been a long time – but it is now well beyond time to move forward from this place of sadness, darkness and difficulty, and to leave the black dog behind. May it be so.