Every so often I feel an urge to review my life, not that which has been, though I am sure there is merit in doing so from time to time – especially from a Christian perspective (and I have done that and do do that – more regularly than many other things I do I expect). What I mean is life as a daily thing, that which I do, etc. What are my daily habits and are they profitable or useful? Do I need to tweak things or even completely do away with certain aspects of my daily life and replace them with something else? So that in brief purview is the sort of thing I’m on about.
So having said all that, I am currently in the process of doing this again and that in some detail. My approach on this occasion is to view everything from the start of the day through to the end of the day, applying my focus to one or two areas at a time, so that I can apply some useful changes with applied resilience that will stand the test of life and time – at least until the next review.
So that is what I am currently up to and seeking to sort out. There are useful tools in this digital age to assist and I am using such things as Evernote, One Calendar, Amazon Kindle reading app on my Samsung tablet, my Windows 10 PC, etc. All very modern tools to do a very long established practice throughout the ages.
Been a while. It’s been a while for many things, but I especially mean this Blog – at the moment anyway. The truth – I couldn’t be bothered. That is, I couldn’t be bothered to post here in recent times. Why? I have struggled with many things other recent years – it’s called undiagnosed depression. It’s the depression you have that you haven’t seen anyone about, yet you know what it is and still try to live in denial. But that has changed a little – I’m no longer in denial, I just couldn’t be bothered seeing anyone about it. You know, it will work out in the end – whenever that might be.
Having said that, things are a lot brighter at the moment. Have I turned a corner – I hope so. It feels like I have, with a measure of joy returning to what had become a rather miserable existence. I guess the fact that I’m writing anything (well typing) here is a sign that perhaps I have – turned a corner I mean. I’m sure there will be some setbacks ahead, but at the moment, I’m just taking in the sunshine and enjoying the rays as they fall on my face, with that gentle breeze refreshingly drifting across the surface of my face. It is time to once again step out into the wide world and enjoy the life I have been given.
Over the Christmas ‘silly season’ I hope to pitch my tent beside a river in the mountains and just take some time out and read, sleep and relax. I’m going to try and catch my breath and think about the year ahead – all with positive intent. I want to think about some of the good things that may lay ahead – especially think about and plan some wilderness excursions, where I can really enjoy the solitude of the Australian wilderness in a wonderful, soul recharging way – alone with my Creator in His creation. I have really enjoyed that in the past and look forward to doing so once again. Anyway, my first opportunity to do so is only days away – should be good.
My three weeks off work are almost up (only 4 days before I’m back at work – yay… NOT!). lol. Actually I don’t mind work – I enjoy the job itself. It will still be difficult to get out of this lazy routine I have managed to establish over the last little while however. I’ll have to start easing my way back to a normal body clock, etc.
I never did get to Uluru this time round – hopefully next year. There was just too much working against the trip this year, with some health issues needing to be sorted, etc. Still, the break has been invaluable and very much appreciated.
Spring has pretty much sprung here, so in lieu of a getaway during my annual leave block, I’m going to try and go camping one weekend, about 2 or 3 weeks after I get back to work. Then I hope to getaway camping for a weekend at least once a month over the warmer months.
There are times in my life when I get very annoyed with myself – disappointed. I am not what I wish to be and I get frustrated and very annoyed with myself. Sometimes when I am this way it coincides with times that I find particularly difficult – this is one of those times. I am down… and I am sad. Some would call this depression and perhaps it is. I don’t really know I suppose. Or perhaps I do and I just don’t want to admit it to myself.
This is the week when seven years ago a most important person in my life died. It unsettles me every year. It is almost as though a part of me dies every year. I will spend some time with her again this week, but it is never the same as when she was still here.
I hate this time of year – it is always a sad time. I remember you and I smile – but it is still so very sad. I find myself thinking of you in ever growing regularity during this terrible week each year and I am always glad I was found in a place where we were able to meet and that for a time I was able to walk into and within your world. I remember your smile, I remember your glow – I remember everything about you. You are engraved in my mind and in my heart and in my life – an indelible moment & a transient presence, for you were gone too soon – yet never forgotten or hidden from view. I miss you and I always will. I am drawn to you with every passing moment and so wish you were still here with us. I miss you so much.
Putting up a post on this Blog is hopefully an indication that I’m beginning to get back on track. This has been a particularly difficult period for me and I’m sure I’m not out of the woods just yet. I do feel I have turned a corner though and that is a very good think – I think.
To help me get back on track I’m actually taking a week off work from Christmas Eve until New Year’s Day, returning the following day. I’m really looking forward to a week of sleep, rest and relaxation.
It has been such a long time since I’ve posted to this Blog and a lot has been going on – maybe not so much in the physical realm, as life in that sphere has been pretty boring really. There have been many mental and spiritual battles, and who really knows if any useful progress has been made at all. I think I may be coming to terms with depression, not that I have seen anyone about that. It has just been something I have been in denial about for so long and I am finally beginning to accept it as a reality in my life. I’m not likely to see anyone about it either – that’s just the way I am. But accepting it as a reality is really a major step and a step that will help me to move on from it as well. That is how I see it and it seems to be the way that life is progressing. I think even writing about it in a post such as this is also something that will assist me to move on and ‘recover’ as well.
I also know what the issues are – or at least a good number of them and I am seeking to address those as well. So hopefully there is some useful progress being made in all of this. Time of course is something that is required and it has been and will undoubtedly continue to be what is required as I move forward with my life. I certainly don’t intend to spill the beans on everything in this post (or any future post for that matter), as I am an intensely private person – and yeah, I accept that that probably doesn’t help me a great lot (being an intensely private person) and will probably mean a slower journey going forward.
I have issues with trusting people, so opening up to others is not something that I do easily. Having been hurt in the past it is difficult to trust people quickly and to share with them those things that are of heart concern to me. I have done so in the past with special people, that I regarded as being people I thought highly about (and still do – even though those relationships probably no longer exist) and viewed as quality people. I am also sure that given the right circumstances I will come across these highly valued types of people again and will be able to share my life experiences with them – but not just at the moment, as they simply don’t exist in my life for the time being.
I miss one person in particular and there is no way that I will have those precious moments again. She has been gone for some years now and I miss her like none other. I visit here from time to time in her final earthly resting place, but it has also been a long time since I have done that. I think I need to go again soon. I haven’t been for so long because it is a difficult place to go and my heart breaks when I do. I miss her so much and it was perhaps her passing that started me on my downward spiral – or at the very least accelerated it, not that I have reached a terrible dark place with little light – it is not that bad. No, it began before she died – but missing her has made this time all the more difficult.
It has been a long time – but it is now well beyond time to move forward from this place of sadness, darkness and difficulty, and to leave the black dog behind. May it be so.
The link below is to an article which provides some further commentary on the sort of thing I was writing about in my previous post really. The article linked to below explores the pointlessness of unplugging in a digital age, to which I agree by the way. Perhaps we need to find a better balance in a digital world.
For more visit:
The Internet. The Internet has proven a blessing in many ways, providing the means for acquiring information that simply were not available before, the possibilities of mass communication that have previously been non-existent and so on. However, with blessing has come much that is not – indeed, the curse of the Internet. The curse of the Internet is a many-headed beast, including the ease of access to pornography to all and sundry, cyber-bullying and the like, troll behaviour across the board, etc. The Internet of course is not alone in this seeming dichotomy of blessing and curse, for everything seems to have the ability to both bless and curse, so why should the Internet be any different – it all comes down to how we use it and how we prepare ourselves for what we will inevitably by bombarded with once we enter the World Wide Web. That both exist should not surprise.
In my younger days I seemed to be a far more sociable being – or perhaps more accurately, my sociability and friendship was closer in real terms than it is now. I used to spend quality time with people, whether that was in one-on-one encounters, or as part of a meaningful group of friends interacting with one another during a social outing, while enjoying a meal together, or in one of a myriad of ways. Today things are far different and the Internet may well have been the means for accomplishing this rather less than brilliant array of social norms. It has not been the only catalyst for a changed socio-environment, but it has perhaps been the most aggressive counter to what were the social norms of my younger days.
Friendship had been one of the most important aspects on my life and something I both guarded and cultivated with great jealousy. As I look back on those days I now ask myself ‘what happened?’ Now the people I once counted dear and who’s friendship I cherished are no longer to be seen in my life to the same extent as they once were. Sure, people move on and circumstances change, so you expect some to no longer be there – but you would expect them to be replaced by others, at least that was how life used to be. Not anymore. They have gone and there have been none to replace them in the same way – now I have far removed friendships, friendships with people I have never physically met via the World Wide Web. These are not the same. Sure, they can be regarded as important and greatly valued, but they are not the same and the previous form of friendships that I valued so greatly are missed and mourned as the great loss that they are, especially with people who have been and continue to be, people of importance to me, though there is now little or no contact with them – certainly not in the same quality or even quantity as before.
Today is the day of far removed friendships and I am lesser for them.
There are people in life that appear and stay for a while. At other times there are those that disappear and are never seen again. Often times the people that don’t mean a lot to you, for whatever myriad of reasons, never seem to be anywhere but seemingly in your face and there is never any respite from them. Those that do mean a lot never seem to stick around and can never be found no matter how hard you try to reconnect with them. But once in a while there is that important person (or perhaps a couple of people should you be so incredibly blessed) that has always been there, currently is and will always be so. That person (or those precious few) means the world to you and brings some meaning to life for you that otherwise wouldn’t be there. A simple phone call, a drop in or even a seemingly chance meeting is all that is necessary to brighten an otherwise bleak and dreadful day – what does quality time with that person present when such small experiences of transient blessing means so much?
When that person is no longer found in your circle of family, friends and others – well, the very meaning of life is transformed beyond recognition. Nothing is ever the same again.
June 25 is a dreadful day for me – it marks the end of a blessed experience of life and the beginning of a lesser experience of existence for me. Sure, it wasn’t the end of life for me, but it did change my perception of it in a profound way and it has never been the same – and it will never be as it was.
On the 25th of June, 2008, the most important person in my world stepped out of it, never to return into it. Certainly my Lord and Saviour is far more important to me, there is no other that compares. But the only person in this world who has meant so much to me apart from Him was gone. This was the day that Rebeccca died and my world changed forever. I miss her every day, but each June 25 is especially difficult – as is March 8, the day of her birth. June 25 is by far the most difficult of the year for me and the days leading up to it are also hard. I miss her – she was my world.